I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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