I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
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