Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
