My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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