You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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