i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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