so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
