Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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