i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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