how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
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