so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
