she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize