Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
