The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
