grandma shit on top of the toilet
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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