when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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