Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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