I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
