i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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