I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
