my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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