Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
