So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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