I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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