If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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