Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize