i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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