your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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