im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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