woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
