Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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