I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
