It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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