I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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