there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
