Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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