Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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