it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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