she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
