I am in a vortex of obligation.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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