why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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