As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
