Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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