He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
