you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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