im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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