tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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