you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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