so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
