She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
