HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Randomize
