Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
