Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
