Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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