I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Randomize
