He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize