im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
