I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
