i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
