On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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