hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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