just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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