u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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