One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I will be naked everywhere
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
