facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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