if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize