Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(313): View more from Michigan

Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?

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(214): View more from Texas

I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(954): View more from Florida

my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch

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(404): View more from Georgia

When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.

(706): View more from Georgia

I hope you did not try this.

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(347): View more from New York

So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick

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