Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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