well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
